Well hello everyone out there in internet land! I wanted to share something with you all , but I won’t talk about it for too long since it will make me want to punch myself.

About five months ago, September 22nd to be exact,  my cousin and I, let’s just call him Leave, went to the local grocery store to pick up a few things. When we were leaving, we were lured into that giant red whore called the “Red Box” movie rental machine. Leave suggested that we rent “The Golden Compass”, because it had been getting a lot of attention due to some religious conflicts. I wasn’t really too excited but I thought, “Hey James Bond is in it and Nicole Kidman, it can’t be that bad.”

So we headed over to my place and popped in the DVD. I don’t know how else to say his other than IT WAS THE SHITTIEST MOVIE I’D EVER SEEN.  Actually, that’s a lie. IT’S THE SHITTIEST MOVIE THAT I DIDN’T FINISH WATCHING CAUSE IT WAS SO SHITTY. There were talking cats, morphing people, golden blimps and weird kids. They had polar bears that lost their self-esteem and shit. There was a compass that was way to confusing to understand. Leave and I were basically very disappointed and by disappointed I mean that we wanted to find the director and we wanted to shove a golden compass up his ass.

So I stopped the movie and placed it back in its little DVD case. I put the case in my car so that the next time I went to the grocery store I’d drop if off.

Now let’s fast forward to January 9th. I just came back from Lake Tahoe and I figured I’d take Bruno -the name of my car…and yes I name my car…it gives it personality- to get it washed. I was at the car wash clearing some things out the back seat. I reached into the seat pocket and that’s when I felt it. I didn’t even have to see it to know what it was. I was pulling it out slowly in hopes that I was wrong and in actuality it would have been a fat whad of cash. I pulled it out and there is was…the picture of a God Damn Polar Bear and the words Golden Compass written across it. I was so shocked and pissed off I wanted to break the shit in half. So I literally canceled the car wash and drove straight to the grocery store. I shoved the DVD back into the Red Box’s whorie mouth and I drove to the bank. I asked for my statement and and the lady gave it to me alright. That shit in a box they call a movie cost me….$118.80. That’s right it cost me $118.80 to RENT a movie that I didn’t even finish. It cost me $118.80 to watch a polar ear cry about how he wasn’t good enough. It cost me $118.80 to watch James Bond not do anything James Bondish.

I’m ok…..I’m good…I just needed to get that off my chest…..CAN YOU BELIEVE IT COST ME $118.80 to watch a movie that blew so much ass that I actually would have rather watched the Real House Wives of Orange County instead. Ok I’m good this time.

I just thought I’d share that with you since every time Leave and I walk by that God Forsaken Machine now all I want to do is shank it.

So take it from JohnnyD, if you want to watch the worst movie in the world and you’re not really interested in finishing it but you have a bunch of money to blow, go out and rent yourself the Golden Compass.

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