Unfortunately these are all true. In no particular order.

1. Smashed the family sink at an 18th

My friend’s girlfriend at the time invited me to her 18th birthday party. My friend warned me not to break anything. I was being so good all night. I was polite to the parents, complimented the granny, flirted with the aunty, then snuck off upstairs to take a piss. I placed my beer bottle on the glass shelf above the sink and commenced pissification. A few seconds in I heard an earth shattering sound and looked around and saw the sink lying on the ground in a million pieces. “Oh shit”, I mumbled as the door swung open, me with my cock still out. In ran my friends, the birthday girl, her angry father, her terrified mother, all her cousins and friends and the family dog. The bottle had fallen off the shelf and hit the sink. Crazy thing is, the bottle was fine. It lay on the ground unbroken. Obviously no one believed me.

2. Bought a ticket to South Korea to see a girl I liked

I am not as desperate and creepy as that actually makes me out to be. Long story short, I met this girl in Chicago a few years back and really liked her. Very strong like at first sight, I’d call it. Anyway, she moved over to South Korea to teach English. We started talking a lot online and after months it seemed like things were going great. She suggested that I come over and see her as she would love to see me and the experience would be incredible. “Why the hell not!” I thought, as I used my birthday money to book a ticket to Seoul. “What could possibly go wrong!” Well one day I guess her feelings changed and she met a guy over there and everyone lived happily ever after. Dear Lufthansa, thanks for at least half  of my money back.

3. Had a head butting competition in the back of a Mercedes-Benz

I’m not exactly sure how it even started. One head-butt leads to another head-butt and before you know it your in the E.R with your mother giving out to the doctor about her “dumbass son”. Fun night though.

4. Pissed on my girlfriend

Yep. If you’re into that kinda thing then fine, I don’t judge, but that’s not how it went down. I was at a black tie ball, in the pit at the main stage (it was a pretty awesome black tie ball), pretty drunk, and badly needing a piss. So I go up to the barrier and start letting rip, when I hear a voice behind me. “Jamie?? What the hell are you doing?”. So I turn around, still pissing, and hit my girlfriend all up her leg and onto her nice dress. The crowd around me were not impressed, nor was my girlfriend.

5. Sent a dirty text message meant for my girlfriend to a guy in my class

“Yeah and then I’m gonna <  ____> you and <____> and <____> till there’s <____> all over the <____> and it won’t stop <___> all over the floor”  He didn’t invite me to play football ever again.

6. Went skiing with little prior knowledge on how to skii

I say little prior knowledge because I haven’t been skiing in about four or five years, and I have completely forgotten everything I learned in that one week in Austria. So, when my friend suggested we go up to Tahoe for two days I knew it would be interesting. I got suited up and rented my skis. I was feeling pretty good. Once they were on I thought, “This will all come straight back to me, like riding a bike”. The first sign of trouble was the ski lift. I sat down too early when it pulled up, my legs spread as my skis kicked out, my friend, now on the lift, tried to grab me as I scrambled back on . My pants decided to start sliding down, so, half on the lift, I have to grab them and pull them up, mooning the huge crowd behind me. When we got off at the top and started down the slope, I must have eaten shit about seventy times. after a few runs I thought I had the hang of it. Thought I’d try a new slope. I ended up on what MUST have been a black diamond. The slope raped me, I fell and dislocated my shoulder. This was towards the end of the day so no-one else was on the slope. I was NOT going to be one of those people who you see in the little ski stretcher, so I popped it back into place and finished the run. I fell more times. When I got to the bottom, my friends had left so I had a long walk back to the cabin.

7. Tried to run away from home

I was only five, but still, I think it proves that my dumbassness started a way back when. I dragged my Dad’s old suitcase into the hall and filled it with…..cereal. That’s all I packed. I hope my kids aren’t that stupid. I don’t even like cereal.

8. Crashed my moped

This on its own would be fine, only that I was being creepy. I was checking out a girl on the footpath while driving, then when I looked back at the road the car in front of me had stopped. Bang.

9. Rang an ex (while drunk)

You know when all of your ex’s friends just look at you really weirdly? No? I do.

10. Jumped out of a window at Irish college

Irish college is like a summer long course that is supposed to be educational and fun. You go there as a kid to learn to speak Irish while doing fun activities on the side. One year I absolutely hated it. If you were caught speaking English you were thrown in detention. They charged you by the bag for your laundry. One day some dumbass kid had two half empty laundry bags and was on his way to drop them off. I tried, through my broken Irish, to tell him to simply fill the one bag. He just looked at me. “Just put them in the one fuckin bag”. “Right who said that??”, mystery teacher always shows up. Into detention I went. Fun seemed to be banned. One night I thought it would be cool to climb out the window of my room and visit my friends next door. I thought it would be cool because the grass under the window was alarmed (apparently kids escaping Irish College is a major cause for high tech security) therefor it challenged me to do a mission impossible style escape. Like a fun game. I succeeded and got into the next room. My asshole room mate decided he’d come along too, and as he climbed out of the window some teachers pulled up in a car (In true Irish fashion they had been in the pub). Well it was like the great escape of something. The spot light was on the asshole room mate, who scrambled back into our room and back into bed where he could pretend to be asleep. Meanwhile, spare tit that I am, I’m stuck in the room next door with cameras in the hall and the spot light out on the window. No escape now buddy. Oh and I was in my underwear. Eventually, the principle came down and caught me, marched me up to her office at five in the morning and rang my parents. They were pretty cool about it, as they are cool parents. The conversation went like this.

Fatass principle: As you know we take sneaking out VERY seriously here. Your son could have been going off to drink alcohol or take illegal drugs.

Dad: My son may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you think he was sneaking off alone, in his underwear, to go take drugs?

The cherry on top was, they showed the whole college the security footage of me being caught half naked and being marched up to the principles office. One of the fun activities of the course was in the final week, where the college is split up into different groups and they make “funny Irish plays” based on recent events. There were ten groups. Eight plays were about me jumping out a window. Dickheads everywhere.

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