Every two years, there’s a two week period where I become interested in, nay obsessed with, sports. I’d like to be a sports person the rest of the time – it’s one of those easy conversation topics, a shared experience. Much like the weather, but not lame like talking about the weather. But the truth is that I didn’t grow up in a sports house, ran cross country in high school (fringe sport, no one came to meets, doesn’t count), only went to one football game at my PAC-10 college, and just have never really learned to get into them. I should be a sports person – I like statistics, competition, hot bodies, and I always cry when they finally let Rudy play – but I’ve just never taken the time to learn. I mean, it seems like I’d first need to choose a sport, learn all the lingo, start watching all the games, learn the players’ personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and THEN finally enjoy it. And that takes time and effort – the two things I HATE sacrificing. So I stick to what I know – nerdy Victorian novels, reality shows, Law and Order, running – and leave sports to the girls who feel comfortable like, totally, high-fiving a dude because insert sport saying.
But then there’s the Olympics; the one time when I can get into sports. Here’s why:
The women of curling... putting those house cleaning skills to good use.
1)How amazing is it that people like, say, curlers, toil away in total obscurity (outside of the curling community, of course) for four years until they come out, curl their asses off on TV, and become mini celebs with a bunch of hipsters who pretend to love watching curling? There’s something awesome about that level of unrecognized dedication to something.
2)Gymnastics and figure skating!!!! My two favorite totally fag-hagular sports. Obviously it’s the winter Olympics, so I’m all about the figure skaters this year. But, even more than gymnastics, it’s a sport that’s all about looking graceful when you’re performing feats of incredible athleticism. Plus, Johnny motherfucking Weir is amazing. And Evan Lysacek – although he overdid the Jersey Shore Mystic Tan – is pretty hot. And Kim Yu-Na… not so shabby herself. And Scott Hamilton screaming every time someone lands a jump? Classic.
Evan Lysacek beats up the beat
3)It’s the one time I can walk into a room of sports watchers and know more than any of them. You want narratives? You want to know who’s a technical skater and who’s more artistic? You want to know the difference between an axle and a lutz? I’ll tell you.
4)HOOOOOOOOT guys (Bode Miller, I’ve been watching you for three Olympics) and fabulous (and also hot) women athletes. I love you and your headbands, Julia Mancuso!
Pensive (not stoned for once) Bode Miller ... YUM
Julia Mancuso is so much cooler than that whiny Lindsay Vonn
But here’s really why: the TV coverage. Not the amazing camera angles and the slo-mos and all that, because of course that’s amaze-balls. But the fact that NBC doesn’t assume we all know about the sport we’re watching. The TV coverage puts us all – from the person who’s never seen snow to the biggest curling enthusiast—at that lowest common denominator of knowledge. Not only do I get to watch someone hurl themselves down a mountain of moguls, I get an explanation of the sport, the history of the sport, the physiology, psychology, etymology of what I’m watching. I don’t get that when I turn on ESPN. I get strings of words that frankly don’t make sense to someone without that background knowledge.
So, for the lazy would-be sports lover in me, I turn off the SVU, disregard the Project Runway, even ignore the call of Season 2 of 16 and Pregnant. And I become the belle of the sports bar. Well, kind of.
Haha, I love it! I’m so glad you’re writing for The Neave.