Always be willing to follow;
Don’t be afraid to lead.
~ Mary E. Buddingh

This year feels a bit like ‘The Year of the Wedding’. That’s not to say that my husband and I are running a matrimonial marathon, attending one ceremony per month from January straight through to December. Nor does it mean that we’re even planning on witnessing the joyous union of a handful of couples during those exclusive summer months when Cupid is at his busiest (for we all know that he outsources work during the bulbous blossoming month of love that is February). However, if you consider our history, two weddings in one year is a pretty big deal.

For you see, when you don’t let yourself plant roots, settle down and allow the routines of the locals to drape over your days like the slow growing ivy that blankets posh English homes, you don’t give nature a chance to plant friendships in your garden either. We can easily count our close friends on our fingers combined, without even coming close to the danger of needing to disrobe our feet of their furry moccasins and brightly colored socks to continue the count on our toes. We enjoy but a few friendships that have managed to withstand the insistent weight of quadruple-digit miles apart and the inevitably repellent nature of months of silence. So naturally, when one of these friends approaches us with a beautifully embossed invitation (or a sparkling digital mirror of said traditional form of correspondence), who are we to snub our noses at the opportunity to witness another ring form on the trunk of our proverbial friendship tree?

This ‘Year of the Wedding’ has gotten me thinking about…well…marriage. Though what strikes me as a touch odd is that I don’t think about marriage more often considering I’ve been married for…umm…well, for about half of my life. That’s fifteen years of matrimonial bliss (we signed the contracts about 5 years ago, but that really isn’t the point, now is it?). So why isn’t marriage on my mind more often?

It could be because I essentially navigated the channel that links the murky puddles of adolescence to the uncontrolled white waters of adulthood with him. I suppose that once you spend such a long time with someone, particularly during those formative years, he or she becomes a part of you. Or, looking at it from the other (less romantic) side of the coin, maybe it’s because of the other things that get in the way – life, groceries, packing boxes, unpacking boxes, job hunting, life, etc.

Or! It could be that I’m just exceptionally skilled at avoidance! In this case, it’s possible that a part of me is trying to avoid acknowledging that there is even the slightest chance that the horrifying facts that I’ll share with you in just a second might actually be true. Brace yourselves ladies! And men, if in the company of ladies, particularly the breed of lady who has no qualms about freely and forwardly expressing herself, I’d suggest shielding your giggle berries right about now. Here we go…

“Marriage is far, far more beneficial to men than women. Married men perform far better in life than single men, and are happier than single men, and live longer than single men, and earn more money than single men. Married women, on the other hand, make less money than single women, suffer more from depression than single women, don’t live as long as single women, and are more likely to be the victims of violence than single women.”
~ A Conversation with Elizabeth Gilbert

As with all things in life, it’s all about how you look at it.

In the end, marriage is a contract, right? And every contract has numerous bits and bobbles attached to it (if you’ve ever had experience working with lawyers, you’ll know exactly what I mean). I have no intention of outlining those bits and bobbles to you here, for they change color the moment you cross a border, so that’s up to you to figure out for yourselves. Sometimes, we enter into this contract in the name of love, sometimes it makes business (or immigration) sense to sign on the dotted line, and at other times, it’s the perfect excuse for the shopaholic itching to get his or her hands on that scan gun at the hottest retail outlet.

Marriage is also a union. If you choose to enter into that union, it’s no longer relevant how amazing you are as an individual, for you as an individual no longer exist. Relax! Just take a breath, and stay with me. I’m not trying to say that you disappear into the shadow of your partner post-nuptials, nor am I implying that all those who battled for women’s rights did so in vain. What I’m trying to point out is this concept of a ‘coming together’, of a merger of separate parts. The union of marriage has the potential to create an entity stronger than either you or your special someone could ever be on your own. Whether you choose to take advantage of that potential is completely up to you, but if you don’t, then perhaps it might be a good idea to ask yourself why you’re getting married in the first place?

I’m a firm advocate of the importance of not giving your power away. If you’re going to give it to someone, it might as well be to yourself. What I mean by that is probably best illustrated with the following analogy: Imagine yourself as an empty glass. Only when you fill yourself over the brim with inspiration, strength, courage, faith and love will you be able to empower others with your drink. Marriage takes that glass away from you though. It wraps it in a cloth and stomps on it with fervor. What it gives you in return, is the opportunity to choose a new vessel symbolizing your potential as a couple. (And for those of you who don’t know me or my husband very well, allow me to clarify that we weren’t about to choose a shot glass as the representation of our union when the option of a symbolic never-ending ocean was just as easily within our grasp.)

Now then, all in all, I’ll admit – marriage isn’t easy, but rather than focusing on what it isn’t, dare to look at what it can be. Individually, I’ve lost, and I’ve gained; he’s lost, and he’s gained. There’s no point in keeping a tally of who’s ahead because so many of the opportunities that have come our way would not have existed if it weren’t for us walking up to them together, hand in hand.

Whatever your reason for getting married, or for avoiding it as most do their mother-in-laws, I leave you with this thought:

Sometimes the path will be too narrow for both of you to walk side by side. Sometimes one of you will have to lead the way while the other will be asked, simply, to have faith. Sometimes, you’ll see the horizon in front of you as your partner shields your back from heavy winds. At other times, you’ll be scrambling to pick up all the cherries he’s dropping from the overflowing baskets that hold the bountiful fruits of your labors. And then, there will be times when life widens the path and lets you catch up to one another and stroll shoulder to shoulder, cheek to cheek, all the while pursuing the path of your own creation.

• Coffee Break