I have a giant list of things that piss me off; seriously, GIANT. It runs the gamut from famous people like, Drew Carey and Channing Tatum.

To normal everyday douche bags like: J-Walkers and homeless people who don’t have a skill, yet still beg for money (Aside: being a crack addict and filthy, isn’t a skill; anyone can do it… just ask my step-uncle.)

Also on that list is: Car enthusiasts. I hate when I’m driving down the road with one of these idiots and a ’76 whatever pulls up next to us and my passenger begins jerking off while simultaneously taking pictures of the car with his camera phone.

Cars are stupid; and not stupid in the hippie, global warming, Save The Environment sense, because frankly I don’t care about the environment in the least (I’m actually going to vomit because I just said “environment” twice in a post, or because I’m hungover.) OK, I’m back from vomiting. And I’m being serious when I say that too. I ran into the bathroom and started puking, it was gross. It came out of my nose, huge strings of puke colored snot were dangling there, while my eyes bugged out of their sockets and my face turned beet red. But I blew my nose, so I’m all better now.

Back to hating things. I always keep the list with me, and something I recently added to it is: People who get mad in traffic. These are the worst kind of people. Have you ever been sitting in stopped traffic and look over at the pathetic guy next to you, fuming mad, screaming at his windshield?

Nothing is funnier than that for my money.

I was stuck in rush hour Boston traffic two days ago, completely loving life. Mainly because I knew that everyone around me hated theirs, and misery is glorious. Although I am happy when I see people get mad while in traffic, I’ll put my selfishness on the side and will rid you people of this disease here and now. (See, I help people… sometimes)

Next time you’re stuck in traffic just think about this: EVERYONE AROUND YOU IS STUCK IN TRAFFIC WITH YOU.

It’s not like half the people are moving, and your lane is blocked more than Starr Jones’ arteries. Every.Single.Person is stuck there too; they all have to go through it, kind of like the Chicken Pox. No one can get mad if they have the chicken pox. I would love it, I get to sit in a giant tub of oatmeal. I would request to sit in Apple Cinnamon flavored, because not only does it taste delicious, but it’s healing my affliction… so win win. I guess you can get mad if you got Lou Gehrigs disease or something. That shit is pretty rare, and you’re probably going to die, so complain on!

Here are the reasons why you people hate being stuck in traffic.

1- “I’m late for [insert something insignificant, like "work" or "picking your kid up from school"]

Listen, you’re (probably) a grown adult. With responsibilities comes a tad bit of thinking. If you have a job, and it’s not your first day, then you should probably know what the commute and the traffic are going to be like, so maybe think before you leave 10 minutes before you have to be at your job three towns away.

2- “Why can’t everyone just go?! What is up there that’s so important for them to look at?”

What’s up there? Hopefully an accident and everyone’s rubbernecking because they want to see a Honda civic crushed like a Bud Light can, or a body hanging over the guard rail. Not that it would be all that funny to see, but at least you have a story to tell for the next week or so. And if you’re going to be stuck in traffic you at least want it to be worthwhile in the end, right? The worst is when people discover the reason for traffic and say: “That’s why everyone was stopping?! Because of a bunch of city workers? How gay! Frowny face.”

Those people need to careen into a telephone pole while posting myspace bulletins through there iPhones, or texting their buddy about how traffic is “uber-lame! LOL!”

3- “People drive like shit! Look at that faggot up there; I’m not letting him in my lane. Grrr”

Don’t you see that you fucks are the problem with traffic? People want to get over, and now it becomes this shoving match on who can inch closest to the car in front of you and win the spot. The spot in front of you is going zero miles per hour, the spot in front of them in going zero miles per hour, two hundred cars ahead are going zero miles per hour. Just sit there, and hate yourself like everyone else. Road rage is for MMA fighters and stoners who don’t have any weed. Not you… you’re better than that. Unless your Randy Couture or, someone who texts “Merry fucking 4/20! Smoke Up!” to me (more on that later).

Now that we’ve covered WHY you’re mad, let’s venture into optimistic waters.

Here are more reasons why you can’t be mad when you’re stuck in traffic:

1- You don’t have to do any work.

All you have to do is sit there. You don’t have to worry about the papers you didn’t file, or the client you didn’t sign today, because you’re main mission is to just sit there. It’s the lazy person’s ultimate dream.

2- You can catch up on all the people you’ve been ignoring

I, like most people, hate talking on the phone. I have no reason or inclination to pick up the phone, dial someone’s number and ask them about their latest DUI, or their mother’s foot problem. So whenever someone calls me, I usually ignore it. If they leave a voicemail: I’ll most certainly ignore that. And to get under their skin, I’ll send them a text saying “What do you want.” Just to get my point across that I have no desire to hear their voice. But talking on the phone while in traffic is money, because you want the time to pass quicker, so what better way than to listen to someone drone on about how they are unemployed? Next time you’re in traffic, pull your phone out and scroll down your missed call list, you may even feel frisky and check your outdated voicemails… but let’s take it one step at a time.

3- You can contemplate your life.

The most important decisions I’ve ever made have been in two places: On the toilet, and In traffic. I decided I wanted to move away from home while stuck in lunch time traffic in Riverside. I made the decision to become a vegan while stuck in Boston traffic. While in Oakland traffic, I decided I didn’t like my wallet or any of the money in it and gave it to 4 large black men with guns. I decided on becoming a drug dealer while stuck in LA traffic. Not like a full blown drug dealer, just like freelance work at nights, something I can dip my toes into and see if I like it.

4- You can clean your car.

If you’re like me, and you forget about something unless you’re actively partaking in it, then you don’t realize you need to clean your car until you’re sitting in there, kicking fast food bags around and peeling sticky pennies out of your cup holder. So whenever I’m in traffic I pull out a few handy Armor-All wipes and begin wiping down the interior of my car. I’ll clean the windows too with Glass Armor-All wipes. I’ll even climb in the back and clean the backseats too. I always carry around a spray bottle full of all purpose cleaner and if traffic is really bad I’ll get out and start cleaning the outside of the car too. (“That’s a really good fucking idea!” I know… Thank you.)

5- You can masturbate safely.

We all have the same problem as humans: We try masturbating while driving, and you end up swerving the car, braking or accelerating too hard, and inevitably putting everyone’s life in danger (including yours!). Instead of trying to get yourself off while doing 90 on the overpass on your way to work, wait for that rush hour traffic on your way back. You’ll be foaming at the mouth at the sight the line of cars all trying to merge into one lane. You might even be so excited that you break the button to your pants trying to spank the clown. This also includes you, ladies. Don’t act like you’re above the act of self gratification in stop and go traffic. And if you are: Get off you’re high horse and start flicking your bean to Zac Efron’s face next time you pass by a 17 Again billboard.

“Uhhhhh!” *Splooge*

• The Telly