Child Birth
I like to imagine that there IS life on other planets, and that they’ve constructed a better method for their child-bearing females than pushing a human life from the same small hole in which they enjoy sexual intercourse. I will put off pro-creation for as long as humanly possible because it freaks my shit out. At its best, sex feels soooo unbelievably GOOD, but that’s just nature’s dirty little trick to get us to reproduce. If sex felt terrible, nobody would want to have it and the human race would stop running. Also, while tirelessly referred to as “The Miracle of Life”, worthless, dead-beat morons are capable of their unprotected sex resulting in a baby, while many intelligent, good-hearted citizens of Earth suffer from infertility. Where’s the miracle in THAT?
After nine sometimes-miserable months of morning sickness, tent dresses, pickles-with-ice-cream cravings, and uncontrollable flatulence, a woman’s water will break…usually in a public place, in full view of complete strangers. Maybe it will make a loud splashing sound as it hits the pavement, just for dramatic effect. What follows is a cacophonous, painful, frustrating, agonizing mess that will go on and on for hours, whereupon the woman feels as though her body is being turned inside-out. Perhaps she asks the doctor for an epidural, which entails having a foot-long needle jabbed into her spine so that she is temporarily numb to the pain, but these drugs aren’t the greatest for the baby’s health.
When the whole ungodly ordeal is over with, she is presented with the results of her hard-won efforts: a stitched-up, stretched out vadge. (Oh, right…and a baby, too.) The unusually high number of celebrity moms who gave birth in recent years via C-Section made me wonder if they all voluntarily CHOSE to have their abs sliced open to avoid ruining their tight punanies…and the quality of their future sex lives.
Motherhood
Have you noticed how childless women in their late thirties and early forties still retain the youthful glow of someone in their twenties? Motherhood is supposedly one of the most rewarding experiences a woman can have and yet, nothing will make you age faster. After years of worrying and running themselves ragged, some women look down-right haggard…and sometimes have little more to show for their efforts than ungrateful brats who rebel and declare that she, the person who sacrificed her own needs and desires over and over again to put them first, ruined their lives. And yet, we are maternally hard-wired to love our offspring unconditionally, these young versions of ourselves who are, in fact, our replacements here on Earth. Fun stuff.
Advice to Women:
Understand that once you give birth to a child, your life is no longer your own, and you cease to be Numero Uno. Unless you are “defective”, you will be blessed with the instincts of a mother grizzly bear, prepared to rip apart anyone and anything that dares to threaten the life of your precious cub. This is a good thing. Try to strike a balance, though. While it is unacceptable for you to party every single night and behave neglectfully, it is also not cool to smother the shit out of Mommy’s Little Angel. (“Smother” is “mother” with an “s” for a reason.) Nurture your kid’s natural talents and gifts and serve as a loving guide who will help them navigate through their own chosen life path. Just as importantly, continue to nurture YOURSELF. Exercise, do your hair, have sex, and maintain the hobbies you’re passionate about. If you still have a career on top of raising a child, your free time will seem nonexistent, but it is crucial to hold onto your sense of self and have separate interests outside of motherhood. You and your child will be much healthier as a result.
Advice to Men:
Wear a condom. Don’t spread your seed like you’re a human crop-duster. There are some crafty bitches out there who will trick you into knocking them up in order to trap you in a failing relationship; however, there are also girls who genuinely want to have your baby because they are madly in love with you. Learn to tell the difference. Be honest with yourself about who you are. Will you be the kind of father who will stay in his kid’s life no matter WHAT happens with your baby mama…or will you cut and run like millions of other men before you, leaving yet more boys and girls plagued by daddy issues? If it’s the latter, do us all a favor and get a vasectomy. If it’s the former, approach fatherhood with humor, patience and warmth. Respect the mother of your offspring, regardless of whether you stay together or not. Above all, do your best to make parenthood an equal partnership. This ain’t the fifties. Sometimes, it’s gonna be YOUR ass getting up in the middle of the night to rub your kid’s back when he has the flu and is puking his guts out. Being a real man means possessing strength AND sensitivity, so make sure you’re a REAL MAN before deciding not to pull out when you come.
[Originally published February 5, 2009]
Author: Britt Warner
Comments
i look forward to motherhood, but i have my heart set on adopting for various reasons – mainly that there are so many children already in the world that need loving, stable, and healthy parents. plus, i want to wait until i’m a bit older and more secure in my life before having children; thus i can do so without worrying about health risks of carrying a child while in your 40s.
and yeah…call me a selfish bitch and say i might change my mind as i’m older, but my sex life is pretty important to me. i can’t have a C section because i’m a singer, and i don’t feel like having my vagina stretched from here to kalamazoo.
haha…couldnt have said it better. And I’m glad you mentioned the part about how if sex didnt feel so good, reproduction wouldn’t happen. It’s an interesting concept to wrap one’s mind around..
Exaaaaactly.
Miss Britt, while I usually enjoy your writing (yeah- it’s comin’) I have to give this a bit of a critique. After all, I have devoted my life’s work to gender politics, and most centrally, to issues regarding women’s health. As a matter of fact, I most recently spent dozens upon dozens of painstaking hours researching childbirth.
First of all, from where did you get this idea that a woman’s water will “usually” break in public, “in full view of complete strangers”?
The truth is:
“Fewer than 15 percent of pregnant women experience a rupture of the membranes (your water breaking) before labor begins, and even if your water does break in public it’s less likely to come as a torrential tidal wave than as a slow leak, a trickle, or a small gush”. (that’s from whattoexpect.com)
Also, this idea that having a baby makes you less “tight” always upsets and frustrates me. The human body is full of elasticities- that is to say, it’s versatile and quite resilient- especially women’s bodies when it comes to childbirth. 1) kegel exercises! 2) many celebrities choose C-sections because of its “convenience” (you can just schedule your birth as you would a hair appt. and just “get it over with”)- also, this is not having your “abs sliced open”- it’s a small incision made just above the vaginal area. And finally, on this topic, there is this linguistic issue of “tight” versus “loose”. Well, people, let me tell you something, when a woman was referred to as “loose” back in the day it was in reference to her MORALS, not her vagina. There is this current cultural obsession with this idea of tight and loose vaginas that really just stems from a misunderstanding of an old colloquialism.
Now, on the matter of pregnancy being “nine sometimes-miserable months” (thank you for at least including “sometimes”
First of all, even if the woman does suffer from morning sickness it will not be for the entire nine months. Also, many women actually really enjoy being pregnant and have some of the hottest sex ever during pregnancy. (i actually overheard two women at work talking about that recently!)
And finally, I must address how saddened and disappointed I felt at the opening lines, alluding to childbirth as if it’s some sort of punishment that we as women are being subjected to. (that’s a very biblical perspective, Britt- where is this coming from? I’m shocked, really!) Through various modes of research, I’ve come to find that it can be a very empowering experience, and yes, perhaps there are moments of pain involved, but the larger picture is one that involves bringing a life into this world (and one that YOU- in most cases, at least- helped create!), and doing this through being a strong, strong woman
Talk to a midwife (i did)
watch “The Business of Being Born”
and talk to moms, physicians- get the facts, and multiple perspectives in order to form well-informed opinions. (i’m a strong believer in applying this to all aspects of life)
So I hope you don’t mind me wanting to make an oppositional critique, Britt. Thanks
First of all, thank you for being a loyal reader! Secondly, I love the chance to start a discussion with someone who disagrees as respectfully and logically as you just did. What fun would it be if everyone agreed with everything I wrote 100% of the time?
Now Teenie: you KNOW most of my articles stem from a place of humor. I’m just saying that the female body goes through quite the ordeal – hormone-fluctuations alone are no picnic in the park. And the part about a woman’s water “usually” breaking in public? I’ve heard the funny/embarrassing stories from friends and family, and since I have a way of mortifying myself at least once a day, I’ll be shocked if it doesn’t go down like that for ME. As far as having an informed opinion goes, I’ve witnessed a couple of births, spoken with midwives, and consulted with mothers who have not loose morals, but indeed, loose vaginas. Despite efforts to do kegels, they admit that it’s never quite the same.
Everyone’s experience is different, of course. I’m the oldest of six kids and witnessed firsthand how every single pregnancy can vary. I have all the empathy in the world for women who dare to put their bodies, minds, and hearts through the ups and downs of pregnancy and motherhood; however, that doesn’t change the wariness I feel when it comes to the prospect of putting MYSELF through all of it. Shit, I already helped raise five of ‘em…maybe I’m just burned out on the idea and need some time to enjoy taking care of me. Or…maybe not.
Agree to disagree?
oh, I’ll ALWAYS agree to disagree!
I would just be upset if perhaps someone who did not know your humor and personal experiences took every word of this at face value and came away with a horribly pessimistic attitude towards childbirth.
I think we both know how often people in this world, (dare I say “especially in this country”?) do not bother to question what they read and hear.
And I know what you mean about being burned out from previous experiences. My mom ran a child day care center (screaming babies and toddlers) out of our house for years when I was young, and let me tell you- she has not cared about the possibility of grandchildren ever since! That is, until now- that one is on the way
So, I guess…”never say never”, eh?
Hey Britt! You know I love you, but I do have to agree with Teenie on this one.
Your article was amusing,as always, but a little mis-informed.
I’ll make you ladies a deal: when and if I have kids, I’ll write a new perspective from “the other side”.
Animals continue to have sex without any pleasure from the reproduction process, some may even die in the process but they continue to procreate. So I find it hard to agree with that statement.
Also, I've seen half a dozen women who are in better shape post pregnancy than pre-pregnancy from a lot of reasons completely untouched above. For example, breast feeding actually will help to contract and reshape the walls of the "punani", and nourish the baby with immunities all while burning in excess of 500 calories per day.
The body is a natural miracle worker, and I think the article above makes one sound pretty naive.