The following is a collection of cases that I’ve taken note of over the years. I filed them away in the ol’ noggin’ as reminders of what I should avoid at all costs in my own romantic relationships. I present them here and now so that you, too, can prevent you and yours from adopting the Traits of Inferior Couples.

Minimal Contact

Granted, it’s obnoxious when kids in the midst of puppy love slobber all over each other in public, but it’s even worse to see people who are supposed to be in love barely touching. An example would be the linked pinkies. Instead of holding hands (which feels strangely and delightfully intimate when done with someone who turns you on) these douchebags loosely and limply stay connected with as few fingers as possible, appearing to be repulsed by one another. It is so very indicative of two people “slipping” from each other’s grasp.

Ol’ Buddy Ol’ Pal

Friends, siblings, and coworkers are acceptable people to give a “high-five” to. The person you sleep with is NOT. If you’re a guy, it is never cool to casually sling your arm across the back of your girl’s shoulders, even going so far as to rest some of your weight on her frame. Look, nothing is more awesome than being in love with your best friend; however, don’t get TOO comfortable. If you want your sex life to last longer than a year, I strongly suggest you maintain at least a shred of mystery. Farting is okay – we’re all human – but don’t sit on each other’s faces while letting one rip. And whatever you do, DON’T shit with the bathroom door open. If you still manage to get laid after that one, your partner will be thinking about pretty much everyone EXCEPT you during intercourse.

Talking Smack

If you and your hunny-bunny are having some relationshit problems, it can be tempting to confide in someone close to you. Thing is, the person you should be talking to about this stuff is…well…the person you share a life with. If you tell your friend that Pookie (fill in the blank with something offensive), then your friend is going to say some empathetically nasty things and thereafter hate Pookie out of loyalty to you, long after you and the idiot have patched things up…making for a pretty awkward friendship. Worse is hearing people bad-mouth their significant other to virtually anyone who will listen, going so far as to post their beef as a status update on Twitter, Facebook, AND MySpace. Not only do I feel embarrassed for you, but I feel embarrassed that you don’t realize how tacky and classless that is. Confront your partner and work things out…or don’t, and wallow in your self-inflicted misery. Either way, please shut up about it. I’m sick of having to cringe for you.

Verbal Exhibitionists

Even worse than the people who talk shit about their lover are the ones who divulge the dirty details of their boudoir adventures. For single folk, it’s often more fun to share the details of last night’s hook-up than it was to actually experience it. That’s fine and perfectly acceptable, as emotions have yet to be involved. For people who are in monogamous relationships though, the information should remain classified. You’re supposed to respect and love the person you are regularly intimate with. He or she trusts you to keep your first foray into “butt-love” under wraps. It turns my stomach when someone starts to tell me in graphic detail about that “thing” their spouse does in bed, knowing their spouse would be mortified. Sorry, but some things have to change when you get serious with someone. Hint at this or that if you must, but leave the kissing and telling for the unhitched demographic.

The Drugs That Bind Us

“Babe, did you get our stuff?”

Booze, pot, coke, heroin, cigarettes (yes, cigarettes). Imagine a couple of smokers who pair up. All of their shared experiences are punctuated with a drag. Then one of them decides to quit. Except if one quits, the other will have also have to quit to avoid his or her partner’s envious resentment. If the latter fails to do so, tension will almost assuredly arise, creating problems between the two. For some couples, their entire relationship is based on a mutual addiction. Without the vice, many find that their supposed love no longer has any legs to stand on. (Which is often a blessing! End the fucking madness, already.) Even more common are the enablers. This one’s an alcoholic and the other’s a cokehead. Both have a problem, so neither feels justified in judging the other, allowing one another to continue their self-destruction in relative peace. It’s pretty much as toxic as it gets.

Love You, Asshole

Few things are more uncomfortable than listening to a husband and wife “jokingly” exchange insults. Name-calling, body-bashing, and all other manner of various put-downs become part of the norm in their day to day life. The saddest part is that they think others will find their banter amusing. When did “I love you” turn into “I love when you work late and I get the house to myself for an extra hour”? Or a scarier thought: have they always been this way? “Let’s go steady, cunt.” “Why didn’t you pull out, you ugly piece of shit?” “Marry me, you fat whore. No one else will.” Co-dependence has never sounded so utterly miserable.

Cheating Hearts

I briefly collaborated on music with a rapper/producer who was engaged to his long-time girlfriend. They seemed like an alright couple, and I began to consider taking them up on their invites to hang out. R.P. called me up one evening in a bit of a panic.

“If Melissa asks, you lost one of your earrings at our place the last time you were here recording.”

“Wait – what?!”

R.P. not only fucked his co-worker in the bed he shared with his fiancé, he wanted ME to help him cover his scandalous ass…and then come hang out and watch movies with them, or some shit! How the fuck was I supposed to look his girlfriend in the eye and pretend like everything was cool?

“Once we get married, I’ll be totally faithful,” he promised me. I was so grossed out that I cut off all contact with him, sacrificing the fate of the cool songs we’d collaborated on. If you want a detailed explanation of how I feel about cheating, *click here*. Otherwise, suffice to say that it disgusts me.

Kids First

It’s a given that once you have kids, your entire life changes. In order to be a good parent, you kinda sorta have to make your offspring a main priority. I get it. What I don’t understand is how a couple can allow the little rugrats they created to distract them from, well, each other. Everywhere I go, I see haggard-looking mothers with permanent frown lines tiredly snapping at their hyper-active children. When was the last time these women got laid? And the way they interact with their baby-daddies is so depressingly mundane and un-sexy, like the endless dialogue of a grocery list. The whole sorry scene makes the thought of procreating seem like a guaranteed way to ensure that one day bleeds into the next without any sort of change or excitement. My mother would kill me if I didn’t give her grandkids, but as with marriage, I’ll have to convince myself that my own experience of simultaneously being a mother and a wife will be different from that of millions of others who came before me. Otherwise, is it worth it?

Me Who?

We all like to joke that we’ll never become one of THOSE couples…you know…the “us” and the “we” duos. Well, shit happens. Nobody’s perfect. “Us”and “we” somehow infiltrate “our” vocabulary, and it can take concentrated effort to use those words as moderately as possible. I always hated the idea of marriage for various reasons, but particularly because it was founded on the belief that women were pieces of property. It would seem that some people still have yet to evolve from that mindset.

A woman who takes the last name of her husband is essentially throwing away her identity, whether symbolically or intentionally. “I”, “me” and “my” are descriptive little treasures that should be utilized regardless of whether you are single or attached. Men and women alike are guilty of losing themselves in a relationship, allowing it to swallow their sense of self. A healthy union will strengthen and complement who you are as an individual. Do you even remember who YOU are? That’s the person your partner was attracted to in the first place.

Conclusion

Ultimately, I’ve met a lot of people who make really good friends as individuals, but cast an unflattering light on themselves when seen with their “other half”. Are you one of those people?

[Originally published May 4, 2009]

• Kiss & Tell