Did you know when you say “shit” a garden gnome sheds a tear? Did you know whenever you say the fuck word, an angel loses its wings? Did you know that anytime “cunt” is uttered, a cow is tipped onto a little old lady in Omaha?

Well it’s true, at least in the minds of these ultra-religious people with nightsticks up their asses who think that anytime they hear “cocksucker” their eardrums will become infested with red ants.

These people can fuck off and suck it.

That last sentence just caused someone to get ants in their pants for the next 57 years.

I think it’s ridiculous how you can’t say expletives on public broadcast stations in the U.S.

American culture by nature is not uptight, yet with how clean we have to be on radio and TV broadcasts, you’d think the entire nation was as puritanical as granny’s Tuesday evening bible study group. Well that ain’t the Amer’ca I know. The America I know is happy to belt out a good ol’ shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits and twat when the mood is right. Those are happy words, not angry words. Expletives are like pressure-release valves. Without them we’d explode.

Imagine a world where you were as censored as the FCC censors TV and radio. There’d probably be a lot of broken glass, shattered dishes and fist holes in the walls. When anger is blocked, the pressure builds to a point where collapse is inevitable.

And although many expletives are said in anger, most of the time they are said in happiness. When you’re around some good friends, a decent amount of “bad” words can get thrown around. It’s an indicator that you’re enjoying yourself.

I ran into one of my friends out of the blue one July 4th. He said, “Manuel, what the fuck are you doing down here? Good to see you!” A nearby cop heard this and said, “Hey, what are you doing cussing like that? I should write you a ticket.” Honestly, we were in front of a liquor store adjacent to a Jack in the Box in Newport Beach. It wasn’t like we were in the fucking Vatican. That cop was a fucking tool. Luckily my friend is a master with dealing with the pigs, so he didn’t get a ticket, but that cop was a fucking shit-breather.

Who was he protecting? I didn’t see any schoolchildren nearby. And so what if kids hear one or two of the “seven deadly words”? I think they’ll be fine. I didn’t hear about any children becoming devils when they saw Janet Jackson’s tit during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show.

Just before the radio industry shut it’s doors on my face, we were getting emails at work about how the fine for fucking up on the air would be increased from 3o some odd thousand dollars to 300 something thousand. And instead of fining the company, they also threatened to fine the person saying the “bad” thing, regardless if they were the caller to a talk show or the host. Jeez, you would think that saying “fuck” on the air was as bad as robbing a bank.

Thankfully, we have the Internet where one can say bad words ’til he’s blue in the face. Thank you, Internet. Fuck you, you social conservatives.

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