So for those of you not in the know, I’m currently in Ojai, California, which is about 20 miles South of Santa Barbara. You might be asking, Mr.X, why are you so awesome and why are you in such a lovely part of California such as Ojai? To be honest, I’m all up ins Ojai celebrating my Grandmother’s 90th birthday.
We are having this glorious regalia at a palatial pad that a family friend owns. Somehow with all 7 bedrooms there isn’t a bedroom for my brother and me. It’s because family from all over the country came out and they need a place to stay. Anyway, that’s not why I’m writing to you tonight, as I’m scared for my life.
So the arrangement, according to my mother, is that we get a “hotel” room. Ok fair enough right? WRONG! It’s a Best Western, all decked out on the exterior in true 70′s fashion. It’s a motel, wait no! It’s a “wham bam, thank you ma’am” kind of establishment where you bring your filthy whore for the night to slam the shit out her little skanky wreck of a body.
In all fairness to the place, the exterior doesn’t really do it justice. The rooms seem to be newly remodeled, but that’s beside the point. Here is the sort of nonsense that clues you into the kind of establishment that this place really is.
1.
As we are looking for parking, there, of course, is no parking because there are twice as many cars as there are rooms. If this isn’t a sign of a one-nighter affair locale then I don’t know what is.
2.
Just to make sure you feel safe in this slum-ridden place, there is a sign indicating “Additional Lighted Parking In Rear.” Why the fuck do I need to know it’s light if it isn’t dangerous and a regular spot for drug deals and murder! WTF man!?
3.
As the brosheph and I walk up to the lobby (or office, since it is not a real hotel and there is no indoors except for actually being in the office or your room), we notice the lights seem to be off. As we get closer we notice two white objects hanging off the office door. What could this be? Oh look, it has our last name on one of them, how nice. Oh wait no it’s not. It’s an envelope with OUR FUCKING ROOM KEYS IN THEM!… Umm what? Who does that? What if someone stole one so we could be raped? What if someone stole them and took our room? Seriously WTF, man?
Yes, that’s the real note that came in the envelope taped to the door in true high class fashion.
4.
Have you ever seen a room that has a deadbolt and not one but two little flappy latch things? (As seen below) Ya, I feel real assured that I’m sleeping safe seeing that I need three forms of locking down my door. To sleep even safer the room should come with a sawed off 12 gauge shotgun loaded with slug shots. Dude seriously, I’m so afraid I’m going to be raped by a tweaker while I’m sleeping tonight.
5.
There are other things but I think I should try to sleep right now considering the fact that I might not get much to begin with since I’ll be fearing for my life.
If any further things develop over the next 24 or so hours I shall let you all know. Please pray for me and my balls’ safety. I do wish to have children some day and hope they don’t end up the treasures of some passing-by dope fiend.
Latetronz,
P.S. This post took over an hour to get up thanks to the supposed “High Speed” wifi.
P.P.S. Look at my cute little cousin that passed out in the entry way of the palatial regalia because he’s from Chicago and it was past his bed time.
