Never has the debate been more heated about what exactly constitutes the definition of celebrity. Indeed it is difficult to define a term once reserved for a small elite and glamorous contingent that somehow devolved into our conceptualization of celebrity today: no talent is necessary; no intelligence is necessary (too much intelligence, in fact, is a liability and could very well serve as an irreversible career death nail); and no particular ability of any sort is necessary, for if one can be made up and propped up prior to the flash (remember that really awesome movie with Andrew McCarthy called Weekend at Bernie’s that was somehow overlooked at Oscar time?), then that could all well suffice—and this leads to the one seeming necessity, for good looks—indeed, striking good looks, however subjective that may be—are almost always requisite, save some rare freakish cases, like American Idol’s William Hong, whose celebrity was celebrated for its ability to make us laugh; Mr. Hong was an object of ridicule, which can be celebrated nonetheless, although the sustainability is vastly weaker than the more commonplace idolatry (whether illusory or not) to which each scrambling, huffing little cellebutante aspires.
Essentially, then, celebrity is a combination of striking good looks, uncommon wealth (quite typically in the fashion of heiress chic) and a high degree of pre-fab malleability to suit what the audience desires. The ability to inspire a cultural sea change and the indelibility to leave the world a better place for our children were ideals once within the parameters of reality; at present, however, such ideals are nothing more than mere musings of an increasingly cynical idealist that present rather absurdly on page, as I finish this sentence so I can continue musing.
Naturally this topic brings in to question the speculations about Ax L. OrKidd, the front man for the infamous band NoKtUrNaL DissCharge—a band that never cut a single demo; never demonstrated even a vestige of talent beyond the whiskey-soaked stories told by dubious Eastern European town-folk who watched in both amusement and disgust as the so-called band performed their “music†in some shadowy rural pubs and clubs, where Globe Columnist (and self-proclaimed Journalist Extraordinaire) Jelly Fingerlick often tagged along to document what he believed to be an impending pop-explosion that the States had not yet seen since The Strokes and The White Stripes burst on the scene.
Even more absurd, after it was discovered that Ax L. Orkidd was just another independently wealthy American expatriate whose name is almost certainly Aaron R. Myers, this peculiar young man, Aaron R. Myers, was offered an obscene, if not downright grotesque, advance for a book that would delineate all the twisted tales of Ax L. OrKidd and NoKtUrNaL DissCharge and once and for all render answers for the speculation about the so called Uberband From the Underground, as they would describe the motley crew around rural Eastern Euro campfires.
The following paragraph is taken from the preface of the much-hyped book that will likely never see the light of day.
The Fifteen Minute Stretch:Â Musings, Essays, Dubious Recollections & Sordid Truths
I.   Preface
What at first strikes one as atrocious writing and shameless self-promotion will resonate with the reader as a seminal ironic postmodern masterwork that is fearlessly transgressive and ultimately transcendent in its use of reverse-metaphor and anti-intellect to expose the most salient and prescient aspects of human folly and the increasing cultural narcissism that has come to define the harrowing twilight of Bush’s dystopic America.
As Ever,
Mr. Jelly Fingerlick
Columnist/Club Promoter/Nobu Valet Parking Attendant
Fingerlick accolades aside, much more is yet to be revealed about how we perceive celebrity in our cultural consciousness, and exactly where Ax L. OrKidd, NoKtUrNaL DissCharge and Aaron R. Myers himself fit into this ever confounding puzzle, which a recently leaked Bill O’Reilly (NO SPIN ZONE!!!) Fox episode transcript helps explain—well, at least in part….so stay tuned.
