Of course, I am talking about the 1971 version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. As far as I’m concerned, it is the ONLY version. I love you Johnny Depp, but that remake sucked. Never, ever try to outdo Gene Wilder, you are setting yourself up for fail.

It’s apparent to most that this is one serious acid trip of a kid’s movie (much like Alice in Wonderland, but that discussion will just have to wait). The tunnel scene alone…well, you get the picture. It also seems to be a morality lesson for all of those kiddos not scared away by the hallucinogenic insanity of Mr. Wonka. All of the kids who find that elusive golden ticket and are granted entry to the chocolate factory display one or more of the 7 Deadly Sins. Except Charlie. Which is why things go so well for him after he puts up with Wonka’s mindfucking for a while.

Augustus Gloop – Gluttony

This one is pretty obvious. This kid eats. All the fucking time. Plus, he’s fat.

Violet Beauregarde – Greed

She might have been less obnoxious than Veruca, but if it weren’t for her grabby grabby with the experimental gum, she would never have needed a juicing.

Mike Teevee – Sloth

The kid does nothing but watch TV. All day, every day. He relates everything to the television. (“It’s a TV Dinner!” “What a great series this would make.”) Nothing is lazier than watching TV.

Veruca Salt – Envy/Pride/Wrath

Last, but certainly not least. The character I wanted to kick in the face when I saw this as a child. Isn’t she the worst kid in the world? Spoiled rotten, evil incarnate. I wanted something much, much worse to happen to the little shit. She demands everything she sees (envy), assumes she deserves it (pride) and makes everyone’s life miserable if she doesn’t get it (wrath). *shudder*